[okay i have to get this out of the way pregnant for 20 months is the most dumbass anime thing i've ever heard, why is that so funny.
but - past that, she listens, still holding his arm.
and then, fiercely:]
But you didn't ask for that. It's not your fault that they're so close-minded that they can't get to know you first. They just - they hated you before they even knew you. You didn't even do anything.
[that hurts. it hits, really hard, it curls up in her chest and it makes her so fucking angry, her eyes glowing at the edges again.]
... I was born. [ he says it wry and a little blankly, the way you do when you've been told your entire life your existence is a sin. he's not looking at her when he admits; ] All my life, I've only ever wanted the answer to one question, you know? If it was a good thing... that I was born.
Yes. [it's almost a growl. she's holding his arm so tightly that she might be cutting off circulation.] Yes. It was a good thing.
[he doesn't look at her, but that's okay. he doesn't need to. she knows this feeling. she knows how bad it hurts, she knows what it's like to be told that you should just die every day of your life. but she also knows that the pirate in front of her is one of the most important people she's ever met. she knows that her life would be worse if she never had.]
For me. It was a good thing. I know - I know that doesn't mean anything, but it was.
[ it's not so much shocked pikachu that she's saying it at all, more the speed and confidence she does. i am sorry to say he is tearing up and immediately hiding his eye about it, covering it with a hand as he leans his head down, shoulders shaking ]
I... Nimona, there's something you need to know. [ before she asks, before he can back out again: ] I died. Before showing up here.
there's a long pause. just a second too long, as her train of thought fucking crashes into a wall in a horrible, upsetting wreck. her breath stutters, and she yanks at his arm, instinctive, staring at him.]
No, you didn't. Don't - don't fuck with me, Ace.
[but he wouldn't. she knows he wouldn't lie to her like this. it's not a lie, and her breath catches in her throat.]
[ he wipes at his face one last time before looking at her, looking wretched. ]
... I wanted to tell you earlier. I couldn't... figure out how. [ but he can't keep hiding it, and the thought of her seeing it as a memory instead is... a lot worse. ] I...
[ what do you say in these circumstances, is the thing. sorry i made you care about me just to hurt you? ]
[well, it. does, it hurts. but it's that kind of punched out feeling, like a hole in her chest the size of a fist, all the way through. like a shotgun blast. like mourning someone who isn't even dead yet. he looks at her, and she thinks for a second that she's going to turn to smoke. like all of those pieces of her are going to crack and break and tilt back and scream, and drag full force into the tip of a sword.
at least this time when she's losing someone it isn't because they think she's a demon, but. maybe this is worse.
she is. a little dizzy.]
You're alive now, though. Right now you're - right. [so she'll fix it.]
[ he woke up alive and then was immediately hit with the knowledge that time doesn't pass back home, and he's pretty sure he'll just go back to being dead, and if he doesn't does it matter because he would die a hundred times over to save luffy, but he doesn't say that, because. he's said enough.
[oooh, no, nope. nope, she can't take that on top of everything else, her eyes flash, and she lets go of his arm to put her hand over his mouth. stop. stop talking.]
No, I am. [she says, staring at him.] Because that's what it's going to take to make sure you don't die.
[she doesn't know how he died or anything at all about it, but it doesn't matter. her ending was set in stone and it always was just a matter of time, but his doesn't have to be.]
[ well, okay. at first he can't talk because she's covering his mouth, but then he winces because--he'd accepted it, when he died. he'd spent so long on that execution platform going back and forth about it, and then some time trying to live as they escaped, but. he took that hit, for luffy, and he is never going to regret that. ]
[see, the thing is - the thing is, she's already raced through it. he probably died for something. on purpose. because that's what she sees him as, because he's a hero to her, the way they're supposed to be. so she knows that he will always want to, to make sure what he sacrificed himself for keeps on going. she knows he would never leave his world. not when his brother's there. she's not stupid enough to think he'd leave just for her.
but the thing is if she loses one more thing she will just let herself burn. maybe she can die have her memory erased. it's just danny left. that's all it'd take.
she looks down, fist clenched in her lap, so he doesn't see the tears that are escaping. her voice just hiccups.]
Ace, I can't do this a third time. I wasn't going to even do it a second time.
[ he'd argue, if he could hear her thoughts, because it was his own fault luffy was here in the first place, his own fault he'd ever been in danger, but he cannot read thoughts. he doesn't need to hear her hiccup, to see the way she's clenching her fist in her lap, and he drags her closer to hug her first this time, holding her tight. ]
she's really just not going to let him go for a while, honestly, so.]
I don't want you to go. [he's not even gone yet, but - he's seen her memories, now, he's seen the way every person she's loved in her very long life left her. she doesn't know how to accept this.]
... We've got a few more weeks. [ he doesn't know how he feels about going himself yet either, is the problem. because he accepted it, when he took the blow for luffy, and he accepted whichever outcome would happen when he was on that execution stand, rescued or dead, but--
but there was a moment, a terrible moment, where ace found himself seeing all those people who loved him die for him and he desperately wanted to live. ]
... For me, since I was a kid, just living one more day's always been enough. [ he's always been on borrowed time. ] So long as I can live every single day and not regret how I spent them. And I don't care how bad this place is. I'd never regret meeting you.
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but - past that, she listens, still holding his arm.
and then, fiercely:]
But you didn't ask for that. It's not your fault that they're so close-minded that they can't get to know you first. They just - they hated you before they even knew you. You didn't even do anything.
[that hurts. it hits, really hard, it curls up in her chest and it makes her so fucking angry, her eyes glowing at the edges again.]
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... I was born. [ he says it wry and a little blankly, the way you do when you've been told your entire life your existence is a sin. he's not looking at her when he admits; ] All my life, I've only ever wanted the answer to one question, you know? If it was a good thing... that I was born.
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Yes. [it's almost a growl. she's holding his arm so tightly that she might be cutting off circulation.] Yes. It was a good thing.
[he doesn't look at her, but that's okay. he doesn't need to. she knows this feeling. she knows how bad it hurts, she knows what it's like to be told that you should just die every day of your life. but she also knows that the pirate in front of her is one of the most important people she's ever met. she knows that her life would be worse if she never had.]
For me. It was a good thing. I know - I know that doesn't mean anything, but it was.
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I... Nimona, there's something you need to know. [ before she asks, before he can back out again: ] I died. Before showing up here.
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there's a long pause. just a second too long, as her train of thought fucking crashes into a wall in a horrible, upsetting wreck. her breath stutters, and she yanks at his arm, instinctive, staring at him.]
No, you didn't. Don't - don't fuck with me, Ace.
[but he wouldn't. she knows he wouldn't lie to her like this. it's not a lie, and her breath catches in her throat.]
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... I wanted to tell you earlier. I couldn't... figure out how. [ but he can't keep hiding it, and the thought of her seeing it as a memory instead is... a lot worse. ] I...
[ what do you say in these circumstances, is the thing. sorry i made you care about me just to hurt you? ]
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at least this time when she's losing someone it isn't because they think she's a demon, but. maybe this is worse.
she is. a little dizzy.]
You're alive now, though. Right now you're - right. [so she'll fix it.]
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[ he woke up alive and then was immediately hit with the knowledge that time doesn't pass back home, and he's pretty sure he'll just go back to being dead, and if he doesn't does it matter because he would die a hundred times over to save luffy, but he doesn't say that, because. he's said enough.
about himself, anyway. ]
... You're not a monster, you know.
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No, I am. [she says, staring at him.] Because that's what it's going to take to make sure you don't die.
[she doesn't know how he died or anything at all about it, but it doesn't matter. her ending was set in stone and it always was just a matter of time, but his doesn't have to be.]
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... Nimona. I can't... undo what killed me.
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but the thing is if she loses one more thing she will just let herself burn. maybe she can die have her memory erased. it's just danny left. that's all it'd take.
she looks down, fist clenched in her lap, so he doesn't see the tears that are escaping. her voice just hiccups.]
Ace, I can't do this a third time. I wasn't going to even do it a second time.
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... Do what?
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What do you think I was going to do at the end of what you just saw?
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I didn't even want to do it a second time.
if it hadn't been for having a little brother to take care of, I would've given up then
being alone is worse than any getting hurt!
Nimona's been alone for a long, long time. ]
... It's not just me. I'm not the only one you've got.
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... You never really promised. [she says, quietly.] When I asked you not to leave me behind. I get why you didn't.
[it's not even an accusation or anything she's just sad about it.]
You're not the only one, but you're the one that hurts the most.
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[ he doesn't know what to say about being the one that hurts the most, so he just hugs her tighter for a second ]
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she's really just not going to let him go for a while, honestly, so.]
I don't want you to go. [he's not even gone yet, but - he's seen her memories, now, he's seen the way every person she's loved in her very long life left her. she doesn't know how to accept this.]
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... We've got a few more weeks. [ he doesn't know how he feels about going himself yet either, is the problem. because he accepted it, when he took the blow for luffy, and he accepted whichever outcome would happen when he was on that execution stand, rescued or dead, but--
but there was a moment, a terrible moment, where ace found himself seeing all those people who loved him die for him and he desperately wanted to live. ]
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That's not enough. [she says, but she's not fighting anymore. there's nothing behind her words, really, just token arguing.]
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I've lived a lot of days. [and she's not regretted most of them, but. it's still been a lot of days.]
Being here is the best thing to ever happen to me.
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she's quiet for a bit, and then:] If I can save you I'm going to.
[if there's any way to do it, any way at all.]
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[ try, anyway, but he's letting her have this, even though generally he is not about being saved by anyone. ]
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