[ sorry, there's the anxiety again, and the exhaustion, and-- grief, and just a weird hope and he kind of laughs tiredly before it comes spilling out against his wishes: ]
I wanna go home. [ grief and longing, again, but like something that has passed? ] You know, from the start, when I learned about the pause thing, I thought... I figured none of it mattered. If time didn't move forward, I'd go right back to when it happened. In the middle of that stupid war because of me. But yesterday...
[ yesterday, they said time would go on. he's just anxious and exhausted thinking about it ]
That fight is probably over by now. I don't... I've got no idea what happened to anyone there. How they reacted if they noticed my body was missing. [ marines and pirates alike, he means, though he doesn't specify. ] And Pops was going to die, on that battlefield, because he wanted to make sure I got out, but I died anyway and I--
[ and it's back to grief and it's back to hope and it's a lot of warring emotions that leave him tired ]
It's not like I wanted to be dead. But I'd accepted that. So I guess I never really let myself think about what happens after.
[ it's just that he does want to live, and he said he wasn't questioning if it was fine that he was born anymore but questioning if wanting is alright is still very much on the table. also, very easy to say that when you are about to die but now he has to like. live. with all these feelings and knowledge. and it's hard and it's terrifying and he doesn't want to complain about getting to live, which is now what he feels like he did, so he kind of scrubs at his face and feels guilty and embarrassed ]
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branchandroot
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Date: 2023-11-08 07:11 am (UTC)I wanna go home. [ grief and longing, again, but like something that has passed? ] You know, from the start, when I learned about the pause thing, I thought... I figured none of it mattered. If time didn't move forward, I'd go right back to when it happened. In the middle of that stupid war because of me. But yesterday...
[ yesterday, they said time would go on. he's just anxious and exhausted thinking about it ]
That fight is probably over by now. I don't... I've got no idea what happened to anyone there. How they reacted if they noticed my body was missing. [ marines and pirates alike, he means, though he doesn't specify. ] And Pops was going to die, on that battlefield, because he wanted to make sure I got out, but I died anyway and I--
[ and it's back to grief and it's back to hope and it's a lot of warring emotions that leave him tired ]
It's not like I wanted to be dead. But I'd accepted that. So I guess I never really let myself think about what happens after.
[ it's just that he does want to live, and he said he wasn't questioning if it was fine that he was born anymore but questioning if wanting is alright is still very much on the table. also, very easy to say that when you are about to die but now he has to like. live. with all these feelings and knowledge. and it's hard and it's terrifying and he doesn't want to complain about getting to live, which is now what he feels like he did, so he kind of scrubs at his face and feels guilty and embarrassed ]
Sorry. It's stupid.